Save Yourself
by Apocalypticism
Summary: Everything's out of control, everyone has no soul, but maybe, there's a light at the end of the tunnel.
1. I

**Author's Note: Please be aware that this story will contain depiction of self-harm, among other things. If this is triggering for you, proceed at your own discretion.**

Save Yourself

by Apocalyticism

–

I know that you've been damaged,

your soul has suffered such abuse.

But I am not your saviour,

I am just as fucked as you.

I cannot save you.

I can't even save myself,

so just save yourself!

–

The razor sunk in neatly. With a sharp and biting pain, it split apart his skin, exposing a glimpse of the tender flesh underneath. Sid watched as beads of blood popped up, slowly blossoming into a thick red slash. The bubble of blood grew and grew, until it could no longer fight against gravity, leading it to slowly dribble down his arm and join the blood that was already flowing down his arm. Sid was shaking, he hated doing this, but it was necessary. Completely and utterly necessary. Not the least reprehensible. He closed his eyes for a second.

He didn't want to look at his arm, but he opened his eyes again because he had to. Cuts littered his forearm, they all but covered his skin, only ending where a bold Sharpie line encircled his arm. That was the "safe" line. He had tested it himself, seeing where all his long sleeved shirts came to doing all sorts of things, and drew the safe line two inches above that, so there would be less of a chance of exposure. He didn't want anyone to know about this yet. This was his secret, his way of coping, his. No one would take that away from him.

Sid turned on the tap and placed his forearm under the running water, wincing as the cuts stung. The water in the basin turned an ugly pink, nothing like the beautiful red he liked seeing. When the blood was gone, Sid took some toilet paper and pressed on the cuts, to help the bleeding staunch. Once the cuts were no longer bleeding heavily, he flushed the toilet paper and threw on a long sleeved shirt. It was time to face the day at school.

–

Hello, my name is Kirsten and I'd like to join people-who-start-things-they-will-never-finish anonymous.

I'd also like to apply for official buttmonkey status for Sid.

Thank you.

I'm feeling pretty shitty and had the genius idea that I'd write about doing bad things instead of actually doing them myself. Except for smoking. That's kind of non-negotiable.

This is all fancy formatted because I don't want people to suddenly get bam, razor to the skin as soon as they click on the link. The song is obviously, Save Yourself by Stabbing Westward. The instalments of this will be shorter than I usually do (even though they're usually pretty short...) and kind of disjointed, because that's how I felt when I was riding the Midnight Depressed, y'know, you focus so much on how wrong everything is when you try to remember it it seems all disjointed, like a dream. You can remember bits and pieces, and of course, the overall feeling, but not a lot of details like normal memory.

I guess that's the thing about my stories, I try to write about what I know and what do I know better than depression?

NOT A LOT n_n

God, I ramble so much when I'm putting off homework.

Hope you enjoyed my lief storie!1!


	2. II

II

It was an odd sort of companionship, Sid mused as he shivered in the cold. Every day, during the lunch period, Helga Pataki and he walked, with the other smokers, out to the side walk (which was considered public property and therefore exempt to the no smoking on school grounds rule). He would silently offer her his pack, or she would offer him hers, if she happened to have one that day. Sid would light his cigarette, then let her light hers. They never said anything to each other, but it was an unspoken agreement that they would do this together, every lunch period.

Today was a cold day. There was a bitter wind, not helping the fact that it was only seven degrees Fahrenheit out. Helga was shivering next to him, even more violently than he was, because she only wore a sweatshirt and a hat. Sid thought that he would break the code of silence they had and offer her his jacket, but he couldn't bring himself to speak. He couldn't bring himself to spoil the silence they shared.

Maybe it was because anybody else besides her never shut up around him. They always asked him how he was doing, if he was feeling all right, was he getting enough sleep? They said things like you're looking thin, you always wear long sleeves, you look tired. He wished they would shut up. No one had any idea what was going on with him, and he didn't want them to know, and it would be so much easier if they all just fucked off and left him well enough alone! He was fine. This was just how he was.

This was how he always felt.

–

I have like 3 more of these little episode things left. Let's see how long I can keep writing them before I get burned out!


	3. III

III

One day Helga didn't come out with him. Sid thought about going back inside to look for her, but when he thought about it, he realized he hadn't seen her all day. He wondered where she was. Maybe she was just sick.

But Sid liked to think that she was just like him. He entertained the idea that she stayed up all night like he did, haunted by nightmares; that she she denied herself food even as her stomach ached with hunger; that she took long walks at night in the bitter cold, just to get some time with her thoughts. He didn't know why he thought of her like that. Maybe it was because that would mean that he wasn't so alone. It meant that there was one person who could understand him. That would make all the difference.

If she understood him, he _knew_ he wouldn't spend his time thinking about how he should just cut a little deeper.


	4. IV

IV

"How well prepared to you think you are for the upcoming test?" Mrs. Jonathan looked at him from bespectacled eyes.

"Oh, I dunno, I've studied some, and, uh, enough?" Sid kept his gaze affixed on the floor.

"Sid, if you fail this test, you won't be able to get your grade up enough to pass this class," she said with a sigh and a regretful look that Sid of course didn't catch.

"I know, I'll really study," Sid promised.

Of course he wouldn't study at all, and he knew it. But he had to appease the teacher somehow. All his teachers looked at him with that same withered look and he couldn't stand it. They were disappointed, but not enough to reach out. They were too jaded by the other students who had come before him. Those students were the ones who had sucked their compassion dry, leaving only remnants for Sid to stir up.

"I'll believe you when I grade your test," Mrs. Johnson said quietly, shuffling a stack of papers on her desk. "You may go now."


	5. V

V

Sid was struck by how utterly alone he was. He was outside smoking again, just a quick one between classes. He never worried about his father finding out, because his father smoked and had smoked for years. Sid wondered if he even had a sense of taste left.

Even though the other kids would bum a smoke or ask for a light, their conversations never went beyond a simple, "Thanks, man," or, "You can bum from me any time, awright?" Sid wanted to _talk _with them. He wanted someone, anyone, to connect with. He wanted them to tell him about their thoughts about politics, gay rights, God, anything. Something deeper than weed and who got ass last night. But that wouldn't help him. Helga was the only person he could think of who probably had thoughts on a higher level than these people, these worms, wastes of space! He hated them! He couldn't stand being near them! Fuck them and everyone else in the whol Godforsaken world!

He hoped Helga was here today. She hadn't been the past few days.


	6. VI

VI

Finally, one day Helga reappeared. The both of them resumed their routine. Except Sid had vowed that the next time he saw Helga, he would speak with her. No more silent smokes. But he still couldn't do it. Something about the way she held herself, the defeated look in her eye, made him think that she had already been asked that question many, many times and it was something that she cared not to answer.

Helga made a move to go back inside, but Sid pulled out another cigarette. He swallowed his nerves and spoke, "I'm having another," _Obvious, you fucking idiot!_ His mind screamed, "I'm really stressed out today." He offered the pack to her, and she plucked another cigarette from the pack.

She looked freezing. It was still the dead of winter and she just had on a long sleeved shirt. It was ridiculous. That girl was trying to kill herself. But then again, Sid was out here in just a sweatshirt, because the cold kept him on his toes. It made him feel something, even if it was miserable.

"Take my sweatshirt," Sid said, figuring if he was speaking now, he might as well go the whole nine yards.

He removed his sweatshirt and put it around her shoulders — was she really that thin? — completely forgetting that he only had a short sleeved shirt on underneath.

"Bucko, I don't need your Goddamn sweatshirt," Helga started to say, but she stopped in mid sentence.

Sid followed her eyes to his arms. They were horrific against the snow. His skin was normally pale and creamy, but the insides of his forearms were, where they had not been slashed, an angry red and purple. Scabs criss-crossed against fresh cuts and raised scars. There was no pattern he cut in, he just did it where he felt like it, leading to scar over scar and cuts that never healed because they were perpetually open. He was pretty sure that the majority of them were infected.

Helga didn't say anything for the longest time. Sid crossed his arms, hiding the tender undersides against his t-shirt. Then she made a jerky movement and stuck her arm out like she was going to get blood drawn. A bony hand drew back the sleeve of her sweatshirt to reveal a bandaged wrist. Sid got a glimpse of skin above the bandage and saw a network of cuts, like his own.

A shock ran through him; his stomach doubled over in knots; his heart hurt.

"It was too deep. Had to get stitches. Thought I was tryin' to kill myself so I got trapped on suicide watch," she explained bitterly. "Those are disgusting."

Sid was offended. How could she call what he did disgusting when she did the same thing? That was the most hypocritical thing he had ever heard of! What a bitch! But who was he kidding, Helga had always been a bitch.

"You better not tell any-fucking-one about this," Sid hissed.

"If you keep your fucking trap shut, doi," Helga returned with equal venom.

Sid finally lit his cigarette, feeling almost relieved that someone, especially someone who did it themselves, knew. It wasn't as much of a burden any more. He didn't feel like his hole was so deep.

"What do you use?" Sid found himself asking.

"Razor," Helga answered gruffly, coughing as smoke spilled out her mouth.

"Me too," Sid realized that he was quaking in the cold and that he could barely move his fingers.

Numb was nice too.


	7. VII

VII

"Such a word employs such alarm in people/ that I think they would rather like me to live my life/ but here I don't know what to do with it," Sid read in a monotone voice before taking his seat again.

The whole creative writing class stared at him. No one spoke a word. The teacher had a hard look on his face.

He pushed his glasses off the bridge of his nose and pressed the area with a thumb and forefinger, muttering, "You don't have tenure yet." Sid just looked at him stony faced.

"Sid, the assignment was to write a three page long short story," Mr Hughes explained.

"I know. Look, see?" Sid showed how the rest of the pages were blank. Altogether, it constituted three pages, although devoid of any writing. "I wrote with spaces."

"We are not trying to be avant-garde, Mr Gifaldi."

"Whatever, man," Sid muttered, ripping the paper in half.

He stood up and left the class.

–

I think Sid's my favourite character to write about because he's actually pretty complicated, like Helga, but he doesn't get all the focus she does. He's obviously ridiculously insecure (even in 4th grade, how would he turn out older, being so insecure at such a young age?). He's concerned about money (likes to make bets on Harold eating Mr. Fudgie bars, really wants his share of money in Bag of Money, liked making money by selling chocolates from Big Gino), but he can be a leader (Bag of Money). He can still get into bad things like working for Gino and stealing supplies from the science Closet in On the Lam. He's paranoid and seemed susceptible to OCD tendencies

He seems like a good photographer, but is he interested in it? It seems like he's interested in the performing arts too, in Eugene, Eugene, he tried out for a part in the play.

Mostly, he can be a jerk ass, not taking responsibility for things that were his fault, and wanting to get revenge.

He also can be loyal, in Arnold Saves Sid, he was willing to go hugely out of his way to thank Arnold, but he was still kind of headstrong, not listening to Arnold when he said, "Stop." and then he turned jerk ass, thinking that Arnold was taking advantage of him, even though this wouldn't have happened if he had listened to Arnold in the first place.

Wait. This is supposed to be a depressing fic about Sid, not a character analysis. I went overboard. Oopsie.


	8. VIII

VIII

"You always leave at the same time each day," Sid said to Helga. Today he had decided to eschew the cigarette for a water bottle full of vodka.

"Head shrinks like people to be on time," Helga snapped.

"What's it like going to a shrink?" Sid downed another gulp of the vodka; he was going to be smashed by the time lunch was over.

Helga shrugged. She was wearing a coat today. "Dunno, Hat Boy. Like talking to a robot. They can't truly understand you no matter how much you tell them, and they don't want to help you because you ain't letting yourself be helped. Only I can save me. You cannot save me, she cannot save me, the whole goddamn world can't save me. Only I can save myself. And right now, I don't want to."

"That's... deep, man," Sid decided he was going back on his previous statement; he brought out his pack of cigarettes and deftly lit one. "I won't save you, Helga, and you're not going to save me."

"You got that right, bucko, so don't be spouting off your sorry home life shit to me," Helga angrily ground out the cigarette butt on the concrete.

Today, they were the only ones out here.

"Have I ever? I've got shit going on, and you've got shit going on... and, you know, I always was, like, glad, that there was at least someone who was, like, right beside me. Someone that I could relate to and shit. Even if it's all silent, man."

"You're going to get a suspension of you go into school like that," Helga told him, ignoring his statement.

"I've already got one, for walking out of class the other day," Sid shrugged. "Maybe if I keep acting bad, they'll kick me out and I won't have to see the same fuckers day after day."

"You have the most fucked-up thought process of any one I've met," Helga said.

Sid just grinned and shook his head. Helga Pataki was an interesting chick.


	9. IX

IX

"Fuck! Fuuuck!" Sid was pacing around his bathroom, screaming at the top of his lungs. "Aaagh!"

He had been overcome by an intense feeling of despair that seemed to take him over; he was catering to its whim of self-destruction. There was almost no name for the feeling, it was so all-encompassing and so dark that it was more despairing than despair, sadder than sadness, and more intense than self-hatred.

Sid threw himself against the wall and slid down it, curling up in a foetal position, bringing his blood-covered hands up to his face, and not even bothering to stifle the tears that streamed down his cheeks.

"I can't live like this," he whispered, "please, God, don't let me wake up tomorrow..."


	10. X

X

Sid stared at himself in his mirror. It was cracked from the other day when he had punched it, but it was still mostly intact. He took one hand and lifted a strand of black hair up and out. He had been growing his hair out since the seventh grade. It was to the middle of his back now.

There was a pair of scissors on the ledge of the sink. Sid picked them up and chopped off the strand of hair he was holding. Strand upon strand of silky black hair fell to the ground. Sid spent the next few minutes making sure it all was even.

He looked a lot different. His ears stuck out more, now that there wasn't a curtain of hair to cover them. The cut was long by normal standards, pieces grazed the tips of his ears and eyebrows. It was exceedingly short to Sid, but he felt different, like all the hair on the ground had been weighing him down and sucking energy out of his body.

Sid smiled at his reflection for once, but he couldn't see himself smile, because the mirror was cracked. He just got several red eyes and sharp grins reflected back at him.


	11. XI

XI

"Who the fuck is this? I will _rip you a new one_ for calling me right now!" Helga sounded even angrier over the phone.

"It's Sid," he said in a plain voice.

"Jesus! You are the stupidest mother fucker," Helga muttered. "Why on God's green earth are you calling me?"

"I need to talk to someone or I'll do something stupid," Sid didn't feel like elaborating, since she said she wasn't interested in hearing about the sorry mental state he was in.

"Like what? And how do you have my cellphone number?" Helga was in full-on rage mode.

"I don't know why I have it," Sid said, not answering her first question.

He was sitting in bed with a bottle of his father's antidepressants in front of him, cigarettes and an ashtray by his right, and bloody tissues on his left. He hadn't opened the bottle of antidepressants. They stared back at him, the words swimming as he stared, teasing him. Taunting him. He was going to do it. He was ready to do it.

Then why did he call Helga?

"You're not nodding off on me, are you, Gifaldi?" Helga's voice asked.

"No," Sid shook his head.

"So are you going to do it?"

"Do what?"

"Kill yourself."

Sid wanted to say yes. He was going to say yes. He was going to shut the phone right now and down that big mother fucking bottle of mail-order pills. Sid wanted to die. Death was better than any of this, this constant self-loathing, this feeling of emptiness, that _nothing_ could ever go right or would ever go right. He couldn't stand the looks that everyone gave him, the feeling that eyes were constantly on his back, that people were talking about him, that everyone hated him. It was paranoid.

He was such a baby. He couldn't taking feeling a little down. Sid shook his head again. He was a brat. A stupid, spoiled, middle-class kid. He didn't have any problems. He should just kill himself right now, and save the whole goddamn world the trouble of another whiny fuck.

"No," Sid replied finally. "Not today. I just can't go to bed yet."

Sid sighed and grabbed the bottle of pills. He closed his eyes and chucked it at the pile of dirty clothes in the corner of his room. He would put it back tomorrow. Finally, he took a drag on his burned-down cigarette and exhaled a plume. Sid ashed his cigarette into the ash tray, then placed it on his bedside table, snubbing the butt out.

"Well, as much as I'd love to play 1-800 suicide with you, I'm tired, and I need to go to bed. If I find out you do some stupid shit, bucko, god help me I will bring you back to life just so I can kill your pussy ass again," Helga said vehemently.

"Gotcha," Sid said. He was very tired all of the sudden. He was going to go to bed.

–

Beware, this story will contain copious amount of smoking from now on, because I'm going through a time where I can't smoke as often as I need to, so I'm going through some pretty bad cravings and all that good shit. Awesome.

Also Njay, I'm not much of a stoner really, never got into it. Alcohol and cigarettes are more my things :p


	12. XII

XII

Sid felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned around and to his surprise, Rhonda Lloyd was standing there, already starting to run her gorgeous mouth.

"—before, and... oh, it's just you, Gifaldi," she looked disappointed.

"Did you think I was new or somethin'? I just cut my hair," Sid shook his head. Rhonda would be running through his head all day now.

"You looked different from behind. It's not like I can't smell a loser from a mile away," Rhonda snapped. "What are you doing out here anyway?"

"Waiting. I'm going out for a smoke," Sid told her coolly.

"You are disgusting. You're going to get cancer, and you're going to die," Rhonda said.

The door to the stairs burst open and Helga Pataki strode out, looking pissed (a normal, daily occurrence).

"It'll be a relief then, I won't have to deal with bitches and sluts," Sid said.

Then he threw on his jacket and left with Helga.


	13. XIII

XIII

Sid stomped his foot in frustration. All his clothes were dirty, except for the shit he hadn't worn in years and didn't plan on wearing if his life depended on it. But he would have to wear something, he wasn't putting on dirty clothes. Maybe he would just skip school today and take all his shit to the laundromat on 51st... Yeah. Even doing laundry was better than school. Even if he had to go in his pyjamas.

He loaded all his laundry into the back of his truck and drove off, feeling rather relieved that he wasn't going to school. Sid cranked up the stereo, deciding that if he had to sit and freeze his ass off in a truck with no heat, other people were going to have to suffer his music taste.

Nirvana started playing as he pulled out of his driveway.

_I will move away from here/ You wont be afraid of fear/ No thought was put in to this/ I always knew it would come to this..._

While his clothes were in the washing machine, Sid wandered over to the gas station that was a block away from the laundromat. He bought two packs of his favourite cigarettes from the cashier, who looked strangely familiar.

"...Arnold?" Sid said slowly, the name slowly bubbling up to the front of his mind.

"Sid?" the cashier knew him too. "I haven't seen you since... well, 6th grade!"

"Yeah, it's been a while. How have you been?" Sid asked to make small talk, even though he was itching for a smoke.

"Oh, all right, ya know? I don't have class until noon," Arnold seemed to feel like he needed to explain why he was working.

"I thought doing laundry was a better use of my time," Sid absent mindedly tapped down one of the packs. "What school do you go to now?"

"Kennedy, you?"

"Hillwood," Sid said.

"Doesn't Rhonda go there?"

"Yeah," Sid thought better of saying something about how it was because people there threw good parties, "Helga too."

"Helga Pataki? How's she doing?" Arnold looked back to the coolers that held the beer and his manager. "I'm going on break, Dave!"

His manager gave him a wave of acknowledgement. Arnold stepped out from behind the counter and walked outside with Sid. Sid offered him a smoke but he turned it down. He shrugged and stuffed the packs in the back pocket of his jeans. "She's fine." _Not really._ "Got hot, but still has the same temper. Anybody we know go to Kennedy?"

"Er, nah, not that I can think of. I'm like right on the edge of that district, though, actually, I changed my mind, do you mind if I bum a smoke?" Arnold said.

"Nah, go ahead," Sid gave him a cigarette. "Do you need a light?"

"Yeah," Arnold took the lighter and flicked it a few times unsuccessfully before he managed to light the cigarette. He coughed as soon as he inhaled.

"Is that your first cig?" Sid laughed a little as he ashed his own.

"Yeah," Arnold shrugged. "Ugh, this is..."

"Doesn't have the same fun when you're 18, does it?" Sid checked his phone and saw that his laundry would be done soon. "Well, I need to go. I'll see you 'round, I guess," Sid said.

"All right, cool, hey, can I have your number? We should hang together or something, man," Arnold pulled out his phone.

"Sure, we should, yeah?" Sid said, giving Arnold his number.

He gave Arnold a wave as he headed back to the laundromat. Sid felt oddly good inside, he couldn't keep a grin off his face.


	14. XIV

XIV

"You'll never guess who I ran into the other day," Sid said to Helga.

They were at the corner convenience store, where Sid was buying cigarettes for Helga and himself. He always hated buying cigarettes for her, because she liked Camel Menthols and he liked American Spirits. It made him feel like the cashiers knew that he was buying cigarettes for her. But what did it even matter? She was close enough to 18.

"Who?" Helga asked, taking a sip of the Yahoo she was buying.

"Arnold Shortman... you remember that kid from elementary?" Sid shoved his money and his driver's licence back into his pocket. "That do-goody fuck?"

"How could I forget, I made his life hell," Helga muttered, paying for her soda.

"He asked how you were doing," Sid said offhandedly.

He didn't expect her face to go red, or for her to storm out of the store. Sid followed her out and gave her her pack of cigarettes, which she quickly packed down and opened up. A few puffs later, she had calmed down a little.

"What did you tell him, Hat Boy?"

"That you were fine... and that you got really hot," Sid added against his better judgement.

"WHAT?"

"It's true, okay? You're about the hottest fucking girl I've laid eyes on! And I say that with every intention of a guy who doesn't want to get with you," Sid had actually backed a few steps away from Helga.

"I am going to kill you, _Sidney_," Helga hissed.

"Just... make sure I get laid before you do, okay?" Sid said nervously.

"Men!"


	15. XV

XV

"Who do you want to spend Christmas with?" Sid's father asked him one day at dinner.

Sid shrugged, it didn't really matter to him. He could get good gifts from his mother now and mediocre gifts from his father later, or mediocre gifts now, good gifts later. He wasn't in a hurry. He knew his father would be offended if he chose his mother.

Which pissed him off, how his father would get mad if he decided to spend time with his mother instead of him. It wasn't a crime to want to see his mom, was it? He barely ever got to see her. He thought that his parents had separated amicably. Whatever. It wasn't his problem. If he ever got married, he wasn't going to get a divorce. He wasn't putting his own kid through this.

"I dunno, I think mom. Y'know, I've spent the last two Christmases with you, so I think I should spend one with her," Sid said to his potatoes.

"Okay, sure, well, call your mom and let her know," his father said, voice terse.

"Yeah, I will dad," Sid was still speaking to his potatoes.


	16. XVI

XVI

Sid took a sip of rum from the bottle. He was with Helga Pataki in her basement, pouring liquor into water bottles. Sid had mixed his rum with some coke. She said they were crashing Rhonda's party. Sid didn't really want to run in with her, but he figured there'd be more alcohol at the party (he was already pretty shitfaced).

"Okay, Hat Boy, let's scram. Rhondaloid should be drunk enough to let us in right about now."

And she was.

"Helga! Darling! We haven't talked... since 4th grade! What a shame! Let's sit and talk, let's catch up!" she crowed when she opened the door.

Sid slipped past Helga and Rhonda, into the party. It was so crowded he could barely move. He was glad he brought his own bottle of alcohol because there was no way he was finding the keg or any other form of alcohol. The only downside was that he was pretty easy to pick out in the crowd. Everyone else was in red and green, white and silver and ice blue. He was dressed entirely in black.

For a few hours, Sid forgot everything. He forgot how miserable he was, he forgot his arms, he forgot the black cloud that always hung over him whispering, "Suicide." Sid danced with plenty of girls and got plenty of numbers, plenty of sloppy drunk kisses.

"Hey," a coy voice whispered, while an arm snaked up his side from behind. It was Rhonda Lloyd. "I didn't invite you... but you know I'm glad you're here. You're so mysterious. I can't figure you out," she had a glass of eggnog in her free hand.

Sid took a swig of rum and coke. "That's the point. I can't have idiots read me like an open book," he said, as they ground together in a uncoordinated drunk way.

"Do you think I'm an idiot?" Rhonda whimpered.

"Never," Sid said. "You've always been smart... and beautiful, but unattainable. I can't have you."

"You can have me tonight," Rhonda came to his front and kissed him. He could taste the alcohol and cream and spice on her lips.

"What's one night if I know that I would need you for the rest of my life?" Sid slid his hands down her back to her rear, enjoying the feel of it in his hands. Rhonda just looked up at him with wide, dark eyes. It was all Sid could do to refuse them. "I can't do just one night. I need more than that, and you're not the girl to give it to me. You're only here right now because you're shitfaced. You never gave a flying fuck about me before," he told her.

"What? I'm... ha ha, I'm not drunk, just a little buzzed," Rhonda's face was crumbling. She likely had never been refused something she wanted before.

"I doubt it. Find me when you're sober," Sid leaned down and kissed her. He placed every emotion he had ever felt about her, every sense of longing, of lust, of passion, of hatred, and of tender desire, in the kiss. This was the most he could get with her. Finally, he pulled back. Rhonda looked stunned as she touched two fingers to her lips. Sid left her standing there and melted into the crowd to find Helga.

–

I need to get to a semblance of a plot soon.

Also, I'm not sure if this should be upped to an M rating or not. Tell me what you think.

Anyways, thank you so much for reviewing, I really appreciate it!


	17. XVII

XVII

"Oh, Jesus," Sid rubbed his head and pulled the covers further over his head.

"Cram it, lover boy," Helga's voice came.

Sid sat straight up and realized he was on the floor in what must have been Helga's room. She was standing, fully dressed at her vanity, making faces as she put on mascara. Sid opened his mouth while he discretely checked under the covers for pants.

"I figured Daddy Gifaldi wouldn't appreciate his son home at 4 am plastered. You were puking all over the place and I didn't want you to die," Helga blinked a few times, satisfied with her make-up.

"No wonder I feel like I got hit by a train. Did I do anything stupid last night? I don't remember much after... oneish," Sid decided that time was a better estimate than "turned down sex with Rhonda Lloyd."

Helga was quiet for a second, like she was deciding what to say. "You're some sort of Casanova drunk. I stopped you from having drunk sex. Multiple times. Don't make that face, bucko, it's never anything special."

"We..." Sid said as he got to his feet.

"No," Helga answered.

"Just making sure. Can I have a smoke in here?" Sid figured a cigarette would help with his head.

"Just open a window," Helga decided to bring out her own pack. "And we are never partying together again. I don't like spending my whole night playing moral babysitter for you."

"I'd rather you didn't," Sid muttered to himself, his words further obscured by the cigarette between his lips.

Sid pulled out his phone and saw he had several voicemails. They were probably from his dad. Sid put the phone up to his ear to listen to them. His assumption was correct. Every message was from his father, asking if he'd be home soon.

After deleting all the messages, Sid dialled his father's number. He picked up right away.

"Where the hell were you?" his father was pissed.

"I was over at a friend's house... I told you that. I sent you a text that I was staying over at their place, but I guess it must not have gone through," Sid lied. He had never sent a text.

His father sighed deeply. "All right, fine. I believe you. Next time, if you send a text and I don't respond, just... call me or something, so I know where you are, okay? When are you coming home? Your mother's going to pick you up at 5 today," he said.

"Oh... I don't know, soon, in like an hour or two," Sid rubbed his aching head then took a drag.

"All right. I need to leave for work at 3:30, so be home before then. Bye," his father hung up.

"Did your father really believe that bullshit excuse?" Helga asked, dropping her cigarette into the ashtray on her vanity.

"I dunno, he's just... whatever," Sid shrugged.

He ran a hand through his hair. His father had been becoming increasingly distant, he was either working or spending his time on the couch, watching tv and chaining cigarettes. Sid knew he couldn't tell Mom about this, because that would mean she would needle him to come and live with her, and Sid didn't want to do that. He liked the freedom living at Dad's afforded him.

And he worried more about disappointing his mother than he did his father.

–

At least in my experience, drunk sex is terrible.

Sober all the way *thumbs up*


	18. XVIII

XVIII

"Merry Christmas, sweetie," his mother kissed his cheek.

Sid opened one bleary eye and saw his mother in her pyjamas. She had on a small smile and looked nervous. Sid gave her a fake smile back and sat up. He still had a headache from yesterday.

"Why don't you get up, and we can make some pancakes, then open presents. Does that sound all right?" she asked in a small voice.

"Sounds great, Mom," Sid said.

She left the room and he realized that his long sleeved shirt had ridden up in his sleep, leaving his arms exposed. Sid quickly pulled them down and threw his pillow across the room with all the force he could muster, knocking over a lamp and breaking it.


	19. XIX

XIX

"So, how have you been, Sid?" Michael asked.

"Fine, not really a lot going on," Sid replied as he beat eggs.

His mother, step-father, and he were in the kitchen, making Christmas breakfast. So far, nothing had been said to him about his arms, and he wanted it to remain that way. If his mother never said anything again, that would be perfect.

"How's school?" his mother asked.

"Um, it's school," Sid said quietly. He couldn't tell Mom that he was failing every single one of his classes, not on Christmas.

She didn't ask him any questions after that.


	20. XX

XX

Sid was outside, shivering on the apartment's balcony. It was two in the morning, and he figured his mother and Michael were asleep, which meant he was having a cigarette, come hell or high water. It was rather pretty outside. Snow was falling, heavy and wet, upon the city. If one ignored the orange-purple glow of the sky, the snow looked beautiful.

He turned around when he heard the door slide open, surreptitiously dropping the cigarette off the balcony and hoping he didn't hit anybody with it. It turned out to be his mother, standing there in her pyjamas and bathrobe again.

"What are you doing out here? It's late," she asked.

"Thinking," Sid replied.

"Is everything all right, sweetie? You don't seem like yourself. Are things going okay with your father?"

Sid twitched his lips into a small frown for a fraction of a second. He looked at his mom, with her arms crossed over her chest and a look of concern on her face. Something inside him broke. He could hardly carry on as he had any longer.

"Everything's not all right, Mom," he whispered. "I don't think Dad's taking his meds... and I'm failing school."

"Sid..." his mother started, looking older than she was. "Come inside, let's not stand out here and freeze."

She slid the door open again, allowing the both of them to walk inside. Sid slunk over to the couch and plopped down, looking forlorn. His mother sat down next to him and put her arm around him. He shivered a little, he hadn't really allowed himself to be touched like that in a long time.

"What's going on?"

"If he's not working, he's sitting on the couch watching tv. He won't shower,and I think he's been skipping work," Sid told her.

His mother sighed deeply. "I'll talk to him, okay? I just can't _make_ him... go to work or take his medicine or get better. That's his own job. Do you need to stay with me? Do you need to stay here with Michael and me?"

"I dunno," Sid shrugged, "I don't think he's that bad. It might just be the season. I'll call you if I need to stay here or something."

She looked at him with a mixture of concern and resign. "Now what's this about failing school?" his mother looked stern now. "You were doing so good, and now... you're failing again?"

"Yeah... it just doesn't interest me. The teachers don't give a shit... because I don't give a shit. I just — I feel like nothing's going to go right ever again, like I'll never be able to be _all right_ again. I'm just — just some stupid, insignificant fucker going through the motions... who's never going to amount to anything."

Sid couldn't look at his mother; he couldn't stand to see the broken look on her face once he had uttered those words.

"Sid... you know, I — I love you, more than anything. And that makes you more precious and worth... worth a shit than anything in the world," his mother whispered as she pulled him into a tight hug.

He swallowed a lump in his throat and closed his eyes, burying his face in her shoulder while his arms wrapped around her back. For the first time in his life, he didn't bother stifling his tears.

–

I really have no clue where I'm taking this story... I guess I'm just letting it develop by itself, it's not something meant to have a well thought out plot and a clean, concise ending. Like life itself. Lol.

Anyways, I just want to say thanks again to those of you who review this story, I really look forward to seeing your takes and interpretations on this story!


	21. XXI

XXI

"You're moving?" Helga sat on Sid's bed, looking bored.

Sid was shoving underwear into a cardboard box. "Yeah, just like a 15 minute walk from here though, with my Mom," he explained, mildly uncomfortable with the fact that he was indeed, cramming underwear into a cardboard box in front of a girl like Helga.

"You're still going to Kennedy?" Helga leaned down and picked up a pair of Yo Ernest boxers that had fallen out of the box, giving them to Sid.

"Maybe, who knows? I won't be able to graduate unless the hand of God comes down and convinces those assholes that they need to be benevolent to me," Sid snatched the offending pair of boxers and mashed them into the box.

He shut the box and taped it shut with packing tape, then picked it up and placed it on top of the pile of boxes that was growing in the corner of his room. Sid looked around his room, seeing that most of it was bare. Rectangles of bright paint stood out against the faded parts of the wall. On his dresser there was a glass aquarium.

"So why'd you ask me over here? You could have just as easily texted me. I've got things to be, places to see, and people to do," Helga crossed her arms.

"Well, Mom's apartment place doesn't let you keep pets, so I was wondering if you could look after Sidney the 8th. Otherwise I was just going to let him go in the park."

"Let the hairless rat go in the park, I'm not watching the slimeball," Helga spat.

No one said anything for a few minutes. Sid nervously chewed his nails and cuticles, a bad habit he had picked up again, while wondering if he should tell Helga why he was really moving. It felt like the right thing to do, but would she really even care why this was happening? Sometimes he thought that the only thing he was to her was access to cigarettes.

"I'm gonna go to therapy and shit... because my mom thinks I'm depressed like my dad," Sid said finally. Helga didn't look at him; she just picked at a hole in her Converse All Star. "That's why I'm really moving. She saw my arms and thought I was trying to kill myself."

"You're not," Helga's voice was quieter than Sid had ever heard it.

"No, it reminds me that I can still feel something, even if it is pain. Maybe I really am depressed, I've known that I'm fucked up for a long time... it wouldn't surprise me."

Helga just shrugged and stood up. "Well, I'll see ya when I see ya, Hat Boy. Go get happy and shit," she said.

Sid watched her walk to the door, turn, and salute before leaving. He smiled for a fraction of a second. Sidney the 8th croaked, which caused Sid to remember that he had to let the poor frog go.


	22. XXII

XXII

It was three in the morning. Sid couldn't sleep. He rolled over in bed and pulled the pillow over his head, then he tossed and turned for about fifteen minutes more, but still couldn't get comfortable. So he tumbled out of bed and threw on a sweatshirt and shoes. On his way out of his room, he grabbed his pack of smokes. His mother had found out that he smoked, and was pretty mad, but not too surprised. She was still trying to make him quit, but Sid couldn't give up that habit just yet.

Once he had snuck outside, Sid trotted through the slushy wet snow. It was cold out, but the it was the light chill of early spring, completely unlike the bitter, angry cold of winter. He decided to just let his feet carry him. He hated how he couldn't sleep, but yet, he didn't want to go to sleep. Sid had been having nightmares. And not nightmares that one could just shake off as a dream, they were sick and messed up and extremely real. He couldn't get them out of his head and they were making him afraid to go to bed.

Sid looked up, realizing he was outside of Helga's house. He had to chuckle, because the rumour mill at school insisted that they were an item, due to the fact that they were never seen with anyone but each other. But Sid didn't really think of Helga like that. She was more like the rough 'n' tumble sister he never had. He figured the reason they were always together was mostly because they were equally terrible at making friends. Sid's therapist encouraged him to try to make new friends, even though Sid had stated multiple times he was content with the few he had.

Sometimes he half thought of getting with her though. He always wondered if having a kindred soul beside him to hold him in the night would make things better, but he figured there was no point in it if the feelings necessary weren't there.

The light in her room was on. Sid debated over what would be less creepy, throwing pebbles at her window, or texting her saying, "I'm outside your house." He went with throwing pebbles, but since they were all buried under snow, he was forced to throw small snowballs instead. After two, her window popped open and she appeared, looking pissed.

"Sid? What the fuck are you doing? It's three am on a _Wednesday_ night!" Helga said.

"I couldn't sleep, so I went for a walk. Why are you still up?" Sid wondered.

"I have an AP US History paper due, now bug off, bucko!" she told him.

"Well... it's your birthday on Friday, I'll take you out!" Sid couldn't keep his mouth shut.

"I'm not going to go out with you —"

"What? A friend can't treat a friend to a birthday dinner? We haven't talked in a long time."

"We're talking right now," Helga said pointedly.

"I mean really talk."

"Fine, if it will get you off my property so I can go back to writing my paper," Helga rolled her eyes.

–

My computer ate this part, so I rewrote it to the best of my ability, but I don't like it as much as what I originally had. Oh well.

So, things are starting to look up for Sid for the time being. The thing that sucks about depression is that you can enjoy yourself for a while, get comfortable, and then everything you worked for comes crashing down around you.

As always, thank you for your reviews, I really appreciate them all!


	23. XXIII

XXIII

"So where are we going? I hate that you made me get all... dressed up. People will think we're on a date," Helga was still complaining even as they walked through the streets on their way to dinner.

"So? They're gonna judge us anyway, what does it matter?" Sid shrugged.

Helga didn't have an answer, so she pulled out a cigarette, then wrapped her pink pea coat tighter around her. Sid ignored her angry huffs as he looked up and down the street for the restaurant. It was different trying to find it now than when he had gone there with his mother before. But eventually they found it, after much complaints of being half-frozen, swearing, and general bitchiness on both sides.

It wasn't too crowded, since it wasn't a well known place, which meant Sid and Helga got seated right away.

"So, the big one-eight, how does it feel, Pataki?" Sid asked.

"About the same as the 'big one-seven,' Gifaldi, except I can buy smokes whenever the hell I feel like it," Helga muttered.

"Yeah, that's always nice. So has anything interesting happened in school since I left?"

"That slut Rayleigh Quinnell found out she was pregnant. Greg Summers got kicked off the basketball team and suspended for dope. Any other gossip you desperately _need_ to know?" Helga looked bored.

Sid laughed a hollow laugh. "You know, nobody bats an eye at that sort of stuff at the school I'm going to now," he took a sip of water.

"Yeah, because alternative schools are for dope heads and losers," Helga said.

"Gee, thanks," Sid rolled his eyes, "but at least I'm going to get my diploma on time."

Helga was about to make some snappy retort but was interrupted by the waiter coming to take their order. After he left, they both were quiet for a few minutes, as they had nothing of interest to say. Sid swirled his glass around, then shook his head.

"I hate being on antidepressants. Now I know why my dad never took his," Sid said to his water glass. Helga didn't say anything, so Sid kept talking. "They make me feel worse than I did when I wasn't taking them, and they give me these... nasty, awful dreams that make me not want to sleep. I'm so tired right now I can barely see straight."

"Say they give you suicidal thoughts," Helga said.

"Actually... they do."

"Well, then you won't be lying. Look, antidepressants are what helped me not kill myself, but maybe they're not the right help for you, if they make you want to off yourself," she said plainly.

Sid suddenly felt choked up as he thought about his situation; he didn't want to cry in a restaurant! He shook his head and said in the steadiest voice he could muster, "I'm just sick of everything, this stupid world, my stupid life, I was miserable before, I'm miserable now, wanted to kill myself then, want to kill myself now... it doesn't seem like there's going to be anything better than this, what I have right now. It doesn't seem like it's ever going to get better. If I killed myself now, I wouldn't even care. Death has got to be better than any shit this life wants to throw at me."

"Look, buddy," Helga looked pissed off, "who said that this life was going to be piss easy? _You_ have to save yourself, you have to fight for your own happiness like it's a war, because it is. All you're doing is moping around, waiting for the drugs to help you, waiting for your life to look up. Waiting will make you miserable. You've got to do something, you fucking pussy," she said.

"Like what? What can I do? I can't just magically tell myself 'stop hating yourself, stop cutting yourself, stop having obsessive thoughts about killing yourself, be fucking happy!' You know what I would give to be happy for once? To be honest-to-God, truly and utterly happy?" Sid felt his voice break and was glad that there weren't very many people in the restaurant.

Helga didn't have anything to say to that. The waiter came with their food, and they ate silently for the rest of the meal. Sid paid for the dinner, receiving angry glares from Helga for doing so.

–

Tiem for more Sid observations.

Reasons I think Sid's parents are separated or divorced: His mom can't be dead because we see her in On the Lam, but neither his mom or dad seem particularly close to each other in that episode. Also, in Parent's day, Sid is only shown with his dad, and any time he refers to his parents, it's his dad. This suggests to me that he lives with his dad and his mom's out of the picture for the most part, unless something (like her son going missing) gives her a reason to deal with Ray.

Reasons why I think he lives in a bad part of town: His house is usually shown in disrepair, and a few times his house is shown, I remember hearing sirens, which could suggest the area has a lot of crime. Also, he's the only character ever shown locking/closing his door. The other kids have a tendency to just walk away, leaving their door wide open (does that bug anybody else? It drives me nuts).


	24. XXIV

XXIV

"Hey, this isn't the way to my house," Helga said.

"I know. We're going to the bakery," Sid said.

"What? Why?" Helga blew a cloud of smoke in Sid's face.

Sid rolled his eyes, "Because it's your birthday, and I'm buying you a cake."

"Jerk! I don't want a cake," Helga shoved him.

"A cupcake then."

"I hate cake."

"A birthday muffin?"

"I hate muffins."

"Then what _do_ you like?" Sid asked in exasperation.

"For you to stop spending money on me, doi!" Helga crossed her arms.

"It's your birthday," Sid said.

"So?"

"Why can't I do something nice for you on your birthday?" Sid was perplexed now. He never would understand Helga Pataki.

"Because I don't want it. Don't ask me why, just take it, bucko. Now take me home," Helga commanded.

Sid sighed, but started walking in the direction of Helga's house. He really would never understand her. Here he laid out his feelings on the table for her, and she couldn't return the favour. Sometimes he wondered why he bothered to hang out with her, but then he remembered that it often seemed like she was the only person who understood and accepted him and all his faults, no matter what they were.

"Well, here's your house," Sid said, looking up at the row of houses.

"Okay, so, see you later, Hat Boy," Helga pulled out her keys and was about to walk up the steps when Sid put his hand on her shoulder.

"Happy birthday, Helga," Sid said before giving her a friendly kiss on her cheek. "See you around."

He gave a wave and ran off before Helga could punch him.

–

Herpaderp I really have nothing to say here except I feel like this story is winding down. I want to end it on a happy note, but I don't know if that will happen.

Thank you for your reviews!


	25. XXV

XXV

Hmm... Mountain Dew or Dr Pepper, Sid thought to himself. Eventually, he decided on Mountain Dew. Today seemed like a Mountain Dew day. Sid headed up to the register and got a good look at the cashier: it was Arnold. He frowned until he remembered that he was at the convenience store near 51st, the one he had seen Arnold at before.

"Oh, hey, Sid," Arnold smiled at him.

"Hey man, what's up? And can you get me a pack of American Spirits, Perique Blend?" Sid pulled out his wallet.

"Yeah, sure," Arnold reached up and grabbed the pack of cigarettes. "I've been working a lot, y'know, saving up for college, can I see your ID?"

Sid forked over his driver's licence. "I've been working too... at that pancake and halibut place, Mr. Chicken. It's not as fun as eating there, huh? I'm just — I need money, my truck's a money hole." That was a bit of a lie, Sid had sold the truck when he moved to his mother's, but he felt awkward just saying "I need money."

"Yeah, Grandpa always complained about the Packard. Ten sixty-six." Arnold handed Sid's licence back.

"Ten sixty-six? They're bleeding me dry," Sid took out a ten and a five.

"You should quit," Arnold said, putting the money in the till and counting out Sid's change. "We still haven't hung out, let's get lunch this week or something. Like Saturday, twelve thirty?"

"I'll quit when I'm dead, but sure, that sounds cool. I'll meet you at your house or something," Sid said, grabbing his Mountain Dew and cigarettes.

He gave Arnold a wave and left. He had to get to class.

–

American Spirit Perique Blend are the best tasting cigarettes I've smoked. Smooth (but not as easy as others) drag, nice flavour, and sweet finish. But those suckers burn forever. Not fun to smoke when it's like 10 degrees Fahrenheit outside and you can't feel your feet and you've still got half the thing left after 7 minutes. They also make other cigs you smoke after that taste terrible because you taste all the additives in your normal cig brand. And they're expensive.

I didn't mean to sound like a commercial there.

I don't make smoking look cool.

Don't start.


	26. XXVI

XXVI

_This has been something a long time in coming. I feel like it should make sense to you — Mom, Dad, I'm sorry. Helga, I'm sorry too, because I know you will be mad and disappointed, I can't even save myself. But I'm not you. I'm not a fighter, I can't keep going when so much of me has been used up fighting myself. I'm worn out. I'm exhausted. I have nothing left to give and nothing left to fight with._

_Understand that this is what I want. This is what I need to do, for myself._

Sid looked up from the paper and saw that it was 12:15. "Shit!" Sid looked down at the letter on his desk. His mother had a tendency to do random checks of his room for sharp things. That's why he was writing this letter in ball point pen, she had found out that once the razors and scissors and knives and safety pins and the like were locked up, he used the sharpened lead of a mechanical pencil instead.

He shook his head and folded up the piece of paper as small as he could make it, then put it in his pack of cigarettes. Sid grabbed his phone, wallet, and jacket, then left. He had to meet Arnold for lunch.


	27. XXVII

XXVII

"So what's it like at Kennedy?" Sid was sitting across from Arnold.

"Like any high school really, but I'm taking mostly music classes because I got a lot of my other classes out of the way early on, and I'm doing some independent study," Arnold shrugged then took a bite of his pastrami sandwich.

"That sounds neat. I wish I had musical talent, but I'm not really good at anything at all," Sid hadn't touched his chicken club.

"I remember you were the photographer... for our silly little paper, y'know, in elementary," Arnold said. "What happened to being a photographer?"

"Um, I realized that I wasn't anything special at it. Sure, I was good for a 4th grader, but the talent stopped there, and I was mediocre for a teenager," Sid explained.

Arnold just made a face and they were quiet for a few seconds. "So how's Hillwood?"

"I don't go there any more."

"Any reason?"

"Just had difficulties... with the system," Sid made a non-committal gesture. "I go to an alternative school now, it's on Hubbard Street, just so I can get my diploma. I dunno what I'm going to do for college. I don't think I even want to go, but what can I do if I don't? Even if I did go, I have no clue what I'd want to do with a college degree, like, how some people know they wanna be teachers, or that they at least want a degree in political science? Yeah, I have no fuckin' idea. I don't even want to do four more years of school. _Harder_ school at that. And that's just the most basic stuff, sometimes you gotta go five or six or even more years. That's ridiculous."

"But it's worth it, I mean, to get a good job? Or at least to open your mind and get experiences and stuff. Isn't knowledge the most valuable thing?" Arnold argued.

"I think the only thing I'd get experience in would be partying, to tell you the truth," Sid snorted. "I just doubt that college is in my future. I doubt that much is in my future."

"What do you mean by that?" Arnold looked concerned.

Sid pushed away his plate and sighed, taking a sip of his drink to stall for time. He remembered that sometimes, Arnold could be pushily condescending in his insistence to do the right thing. He remembered that sometimes, Arnold seemed bored with always being the moral compass. Sid didn't want anything going wrong today. He didn't want to be stopped. Nothing was going to keep him from going to the pharmacy.

"Just, y'know, where I live is filled with crack heads and dope heads and it's hard to stay away from that when it's all around you, and my old man wanted me to take over his garage before he goes batshit insane and offs himself..."

"Your dad's crazy? What the hell, Sid?" Arnold frowned and had the worst expression Sid had ever seen on his normally impassive face.

"He's been depressed for years, it's why my mom left him, 'cuz he couldn't keep a job or do anything, he was so depressed. He got better, I mean, enough to go on and get his own garage and custody of me and all that, but he's gotten worse lately," Sid wanted to shut up, oh God, how badly did he want to shut up. He didn't need to tell Arnold this. He hadn't told _Helga_ this.

"I'm sorry, Sid, I had no idea," Arnold, for once, had no idea what to say.

"Well, c'est la vie, I guess."

"Hey, Sid, any time I saw you, you always looked down, but you look like you're doing better," Arnold said.

"Well, my life's going to be okay now. Sucked for the longest time," Sid let his sleeve ride up a little, exposing just a hint of his still cut covered arm, "but I have a direction to go in now. I know what I need to do to make it right."

Sid then smiled a smile that he knew he would not smile again, because he was at peace. He was calm. Before, he had been riddled with doubt and insecurities and fear, but now, he was sure. He was so tired. Everything would be okay.


	28. XXVIII

XXVIII

"Oh, ha ha, you do need to shave!" the pretty cashier grinned at Sid as she scanned the replacement blade cartridge.

Sid grinned and felt the days worth of stubble on his face. "Do you think it makes me look rugged?"

"No... you look silly. If you didn't have that on your face, I'd date you," she said as she scanned his drink.

"I guess I'll have to come back clean shaven," Sid said, taking out his wallet and paying for the drink and razor blade.

"I guess you will. I work next on Tuesday. Come and say hi," the girl said.

Sid nodded and gave her a smiled. This one was different than the smile he had given Arnold. This one was fake, he had no interest in the girl, but he found acting easy. These people had no idea what he was going to do.

On his way home, he smoked all his cigarettes, putting the wadded up piece of paper in his pocket for safe keeping. He gave the bills in his wallet to a bum. He gave his stash of dope to some teenagers who smelled like stoners.

Then he was home alone. His mother had sent him a text that she was at the grocery store. Michael was at work. Sid turned on all the lights in the apartment and went to his mother's bedroom, where he unfolded his note and put it on her pillow.


	29. XXIX

XIX

He put on his best suit. It would have to do. He had wanted to pour his antidepressants down the toilet, but the medicine cabinet was locked and his mother had the key.

Sid went into the bathroom and locked the door. He started the bathtub filling up with warm water. He laced up his dress shoes tight. With calm hands, he took the razor blade out of its packaging. It gleamed cruelly at him through the steam, but it greeted him like an old friend.

He put the blade down. His hands were shaking now. There was no turning back.

Sid walked slowly over to the tub, then eased himself in, turning the water red. He closed his eyes and finally, felt happy. Truly and utterly happy.


	30. XXX

XXX

Sid opened his eyes.


	31. Part II, I

Save Yourself Part II

_The Ruined Life of Someone Better_

–

I

Sid realized that he was in a hospital room. The walls were a drab white that hurt his eyes. Sid sighed and looked down at himself. His arms were bandaged up. He was too tired to move and everything ached. Why did this happen? Why was he alive? He didn't want to live. He couldn't deal with life any more. Why couldn't people accept that? He was eighteen. He could make his own damn decisions.

He closed his eyes again and waited to fall asleep again, but sleep never came.

–

Hi, I've made you all wait for this long enough. I just needed to really get the motivation to write and deal with the aftermath of what Sid did, and it was kind of tough for me to get into that mindset.

Hopefully this is will be worth the wait?


	32. Part II, II

II

"Sid, how are you feeling?" Sid's mother asked. She was sitting on the edge of his bed and stroking his hair.

"Fine, Mom, fine... just, I'm sorry," Sid couldn't look his mother in the eyes.

He had learned that she was the one who had found him. He probably wouldn't have lived had it been anyone else, but his mother was going through her residency. Sid felt bad that he had to put her through that. He had hope that it would have been someone who he wasn't really attached to, like Michael, that found him.

Sid cringed when he heard a strangled sob escape from her. He gently hugged her; it was as much as his still tender arms would allow.

"It's okay, Mom," Sid didn't really know what else to say. He couldn't promise that he wouldn't do it again, and he couldn't say that _he_ was going to be okay either, and he didn't want to say something along the lines of "at least I'm still here," because he wasn't glad that he was here. He wanted to be dead. "How is Dad taking this?"

His mother shrugged and wiped her eyes. "I don't know. He wouldn't answer his phone, so I sent Michael over there to check on him."

"I'm sure he's fine, Mom," Sid said without truly believing it.


	33. Part II, III

III

"I hope you have a fucking good reason for doing this!" his father shouted at him. "Do you know what you've done to your mother, Michael... ME? It was harder than anything to see your dumbass body lying there you was dead! They didn't know if you were goin' to wake up, or if you had brain damage or if you would fucking be able to breathe on your own again! No parent should ever have to watch their kid die!

"Give me a reason. Give me the best reason you got, you fucking..." his father shook his head, lips pursing as his body shook. "Goddamn, it better be good, because I've dealt with the same shit you're going through for thirty years and I have _never_ dealt with it in such a cowardly and BONEHEADED, IDIODIC WAY, YOU SON OF A BITCH!"

"Ray, calm down!" his mother said, voice hinting at the fact that she was close to tears.

Sid didn't say anything as his father paced around the room with his hands flying everywhere over his head. He didn't know what he could say. There was no explanation that would satiate his father or soothe him. Whatever he did, he would loose.

He glanced up and caught the burning gaze of his father. Sid dropped eyes eyes back to his bandaged wrists and tried to stop tears from forming in his eyes, but he couldn't do it. They dropped on the bandages freely, pitting the white wrappings a darker shade.

"That's what I thought," his father said, his tone as cold and wounded as Sid had ever heard it.

He left the room. Sid didn't see him wiping tears from his own eyes.


	34. Part II, IV

IV

He couldn't leave the hospital. He had caught pneumonia and despite the hospital's best efforts, his slow-healing cuts still became infected. And worst of all, he was utterly alone.

His mother was distant again, trying to juggle the stress Sid had caused her with her residency. His father was attempting to take another job to cover the gaping hole in his finances caused by Sid's hospital stay. Sid knew he fucked up big time. He really fucked up. They hated him, he was sure of it.

Sid had tried to save himself, and all he ended up doing was alienating himself even more.


	35. Part II, V

V

"Take care of yourself now, love," the nurse who had wheeled him to the hospital's doors said.

"I'll try," Sid nodded at her, pulling himself to his feet.

The nurse gave him a smile, then walked back inside with the wheelchair. Sid looked out at the rain that was pouring and with a sigh, pulled the hood of his ratty old sweatshirt over his head, bracing himself for the cold, wet walk to the nearest bus stop.

Once he got home, Sid found his mom's apartment empty. He turned on all the lights and walked to the bathroom. He didn't know what to expect. He couldn't even imagine his mother coming back here and scrubbing the bloodstained porcelain.

Sid started to think his father was right, it had been a stupid and ill thought through decision. He felt like he would never be able to deal with the guilt knowing how much horror he had put his family through. Nothing would make that scab heal, nothing would ever erase the memory from their minds. Sid knew they would always be thinking in the back of their minds, "Will he do it again?"

For the umpteenth time in however many days, Sid felt tears burn his eyes. He had been doing a lot of tearing up lately. But he was alone. Sid crawled into the bathtub, the place where he should have died, and started to cry freely.


	36. Part II, VI

VI

"Sid, you need to think about if this treatment is working for you," his therapist, Dr Wade, said that crisp, clinical voice he always had. "We've working together for a good length of time now, and I haven't seen any marked improvement. You have said yourself that you hate coming here."

Sid just looked down at his torn up boots, destroyed from working in his father's garage. He wondered why Dr. Wade couldn't have picked a better couch. This one was too overstuffed to be comfortable, one had to perch on the very edge of the cushion or one's body would be sucked into the depths of the couch, leading the body to take a position that was uncomfortable for extended lengths of time.

"What else can I do? If I go to anybody else, all I'll have to do is explain my stupid sob story all over again and that's not anything I want to do," Sid rubbed his rough hands together, examining his grease-darkened nails instead of looking at Dr Wade.

"If you'd rather stay with the familiar, then I'm going to insist that you begin to take charge of your own recovery. You said you weren't willing to try other antidepressants, there are other types out there besides SSRIs, and they may work with you better. I've stressed this, Sid, they are not going to make you magically better, they are only a tool to help you. We've given you all the tools you need to help yourself, but I feel you haven't taken them to heart.

"You're an insightful young man, Sid, and I know you understand what I tell you during these sessions. You need to start believing that this _can_ help you, not that all of therapy is a... 'load of bull invented by greedy shits,' because I genuinely want you to get better and have a long, happy life. You need to strive for it. I cannot 'save' you from your depression. You need to save yourself. Therapy and medicine are only tools to help you achieve that."

Sid looked up from his hands into the greyish, weepy eyes of Dr Wade. For a brief second, he saw Helga, sitting there with a scowl on her lips and her hands on her hips, like they were many months ago, when she had told him that only she could save herself.

She had done a better job than he had. The other day when they went out to see Evil Twin VI: Parasitic Horror, she wore short sleeves. Sid had seen every pale white scar that glittered on her arm, clinging like frost. But she wore them like battle scars, and she was proud of them. She didn't care who noticed and who didn't. She accepted the scars as part of herself, and if someone could not accept all of her, they weren't worth her time.

Sid wondered if he could ever be as brave as her. He wanted to be. He hoped he could be.

"Okay, Doc, I'm ready. I really want to get better."


	37. Part II, VII

VII

"You never came back to say hi," the cashier said, deftly pulling items out of the basket, scanning them, and bagging them.

Sid looked up from his phone and saw, with a chill that shook him to the bone, that it was the same cashier he talked with the day he tried to kill himself. She didn't look like she was mad, she just kept on scanning the items. Even though the items in the basket would have normally made him embarrassed to have a pretty girl look at them, the deep ache that hit his heart when he thought about that day blocked any other sort of emotion.

"I'm sorry, I wasn't doing very good that day, or for a long time after that," Sid said mildly.

The girl looked faintly familiar, and not because he had seen her once before already. Sid tried to place her, but couldn't. He glanced at her name tag: Nadine.

"You know, when I was little, a girl named Nadine would always chase me around the playground," Sid felt silly as soon as the words slipped out of his mouth.

The girl cracked a smiled as she rang up his final total, "I bet she liked you."

"Maybe she did, but I thought it was usually the other way around, you know, guys tease girls they like."

Nadine shrugged and grinned a bit, "I know because I would chase this little boy named Sid around, every day. I thought he was the cutest little thing."

"That's really funny, because my name's Sid."

"Did you go to P.S. 118?" There was a look of dawning realisation on her face.

"Nadine Jefferson?"

"Sid Gifaldi?"


	38. Part II, VIII

VIII

"How do you do it, Helga?" Sid asked.

"Do what?" Helga didn't look up from the paper she was reading.

"Wear short sleeves."

Helga's eyes flashed and hardened as she spared a sidelong glance at the mess on her arms. Sid felt his own scars and wounds burn, because they both knew they were there, covered by his sleeves and hidden from the world. The scars on Helga's arms glowed hot-white in the early summer sunshine.

She drew her eyes back to Sid's, "Half the time, people are too much of a dipshit to notice, just like they were too much of a dipshit to notice while it was happening. I was full of scars long before this. Now they're just out there for the world to see and I've got my middle finger thrown up against any numbskull who thinks I was a whiny brat looking for attention."

Sid bit his tongue, then drew up his sleeves a little. He caught sight of the rough, raised scabs where his life had bleed from him and quickly drew his sleeves down again. It all was still too tender and close to his heart. He couldn't do it.


	39. Part II, IX

IX

"I have a date tonight," Sid blurted during a stretch of silence between him and Dr Wade.

"Are you anxious about it?"

"No... well, maybe a little, but only because the last date I went on was in middle school and you know what those are like, 'Hey, babe, I got my mom to drive us to the mall,' but I knew this girl when I was in elementary."

Dr Wade nodded, hands clasped together like he was expecting something more.

"And I... I guess I'm just thinking, how do I begin to, what if we hit it off and date more and how the fuck do I tell her I'm batshit crazy? What if we go to bone and she sees my arms? They're not pretty to look at. It's not like I can just leave my shirt on like at the pool."

"You're not 'batshit' crazy," Dr Wade sounded exhausted. "You're jumping ahead of yourself. The first date isn't any time to worry about how far the relationship will go. Treat it as just a date, and at the end of it, decide if you would like to keep seeing her. You face the challenges as they come, not worry yourself sick with what ifs."

"I know, I'm tryin' not so much to worry about it all, but it's hard, because I'm just, paranoid about it all."

"Are you anxious much of the time?"

Sid shrugged, "I dunno, it's just so much a part of me I dunno what I would do if I wasn't paranoid. Saved me from my parents findin' out I smoked until I was 18."

"If it continues to be a problem, maybe we should look into an anti-anxiety medication," Dr Wade said.

"I dunno," Sid chewed pensively on his lip and hated how much his back hurt because he couldn't sit properly. "I'm already on those happy pills and it would make me feel like even more of a drugged up weirdo."

"There's nothing shameful about taking antidepressants."

"But my old man takes them when he's in his right mind and it makes me feel like I'm too much like him. He started taking them again after I... y'know. He's still so pissed off at me. He thinks that slitting my wrists was a coward's way out, and maybe it was, but what pisses me off so much is that he thinks that _I'm just like him_. That just because he's been dealing with depression for thirty years that I have nothing to complain about, that since he never attempted suicide he's on a high and mighty horse that oh, Jesus, look fuckin' over here at me, I'm the saint of saints of emo people because I kept it all inside!"

"You're angry at your father, Sid, I think, much more than you're even letting on here. Why does that make you so mad?"

"Because I am not him! I'm not some sad-sack, sorry fuck of a man who's letting his disease run his life! I'm doing my Goddamn best to be _happy_ again while he's perfectly content to wallow in his misery. I let that God-awful thing run my life for all of high school and I never, never want to be there again! I am not my father, I am not my father!" Sid's voice rose higher and higher as he continued his tirade, until he yanked tissues from the box sitting on the coffee table in front of him and dabbed at his eyes.

"No, Sid, you're much stronger than he is," Dr Wade said quietly.


	40. Part II, X

X

Nadine looked around the field, a confused expression on her face. It was a pretty field, full of wild flowers and not another soul in sight, but still, it was just a field.

"Are we having a picnic or something?" Nadine turned to look at Sid.

Sid scratched the back of his neck, wondering if maybe this hadn't been such a good idea after all. He swallowed his fears and remembered: he would worry about it when it became an issue.

"Well, I remembered that you really liked bugs when we were in school together, so, uh, I went here with my parents once, and there was like, a shit ton of butterflies everywhere," Sid explained. "As for the picnic, I only have half a bag of cheese puffs and a two-litre of Mountain Dew in the car, so, please, God, let there be butterflies here."

Nadine laughed a little, then turned back to look out at the field.

"That's sweet," she said, but without indication of whether Sid had fucked up royally or not.

"So, is it okay? Do you want to leave and go somewhere—"

"Shh," Nadine shushed him.

Sid swallowed, silently berating himself in his head for such a stupid idea. Of course she hated it, Jesus, the girl liked bugs when she was in fourth grade, she just graduated high school, like hell she likes the same things. Sid dropped his hand to his pocket expecting to find his pack of cigarettes there, but they were back in the car.

Nadine beckoned him over, cautioning him to be quiet, slow, and careful. Sid did his best to creep over. When he was next to Nadine, she pointed with a tan finger to a flower stalk. Sid followed her finger and saw that there was a brilliant butterfly sunning itself on the flower. Its jewel-toned wings folded and unfolded.

"Is it a Monarch?" Sid asked in a whisper.

Nadine shook her head, "_Limenitis archippus_, or the Viceroy. It looks like a Monarch, but it isn't."

"Wow, I wouldn't be able to tell the difference. Can you catch it?"

"I haven't caught one using my hands in a while... I'll try," Nadine pursed her lips and watched the butterfly intently.

It was completely and blissfully unaware of the two humans behind it, one ready to grab it with her bare hands. The wings finally decided to stay on an open position, catching the sun. Sid almost felt sorry for the bug, but just for a split second.

Like lightning, Nadine's hands shot out. Sid looked at the flower stalk and saw the butterfly was gone. He shaded his eyes and screened the sky, but didn't see a butterfly fluttering away. Nadine was laughing, holding her hands close to her chest.

"You got it?" Sid grinned.

Nadine nodded, slowly opening her hands. The butterfly crawled onto the tips of her fingers, flapping its wings indignantly, or about as indignantly as a butterfly can, Sid supposed. He slowly put his finger out, trying to prod the butterfly into crawling onto it, but he only succeeded in scaring the insect.

"Maybe you should leave the bug whispering to me," Nadine was smiling broadly.

"Like hell! Show me how to catch a butterfly," Sid demanded.

They spent the afternoon combing the field, finding plenty of butterflies, but none of them took a liking to Sid the way they did to Nadine. It was an afternoon well spent, Sid decided, because he felt something he hadn't in a while: that soppy grinning, warm inside, soaring sensation of being _happy_.

He would ask Nadine out again.

–

I swore I wouldn't do romance in this story, but I still felt like I needed to give the poor boy a break and plus, I dunno, I hope it illustrates that he's starting to get a healthier outlook on things, that he can let go of his problems and have some fun with a girl, rather than worrying about what she thinks about him and his arms and what he did to his family and all that.

Hopefully I am going to see Skeletonwitch on April 11th. That would be super boss.


	41. Part II, XI

XI

Sid looked up from the seat of the car he was detailing, across the garage, and into the office where his father was sitting, doing paperwork or something like that. He still couldn't get over the feeling that his father resented him or thought he was a pussy or a coward.

He was grateful that his father had offered him a job at the garage, but Sid felt like it was so his father could keep a closer eye on him. Sid resented that, wondering how his father couldn't see the progress he was making. Even his mother, who was barely home, noticed and said that she was proud of him.

Everyone but his father had offered him the support he needed. And it was the support of his father he wanted most of all.


	42. Part II, XII

XII

"What are you doing for college?" Sid asked Nadine.

She gave him a sad smile and reached out to touch his hand.

"I'm going to North Carolina State," she answered.

Sid felt like all the air had been sucked out of the room. She was leaving. Nadine was going away. He had thrown himself headlong into a relationship and hadn't stopped to think of what would come of it. And now here he was, with half his heart in something that would probably come to an end.

Nadine reached out and brushed some hair out of his eyes. She trailed her cool hand down his cheek and gave him that same sad smile.

"I didn't think I'd meet anyone here when I made the decision to go there. I don't want to have to do a long-distance relationship," Nadine ran a hand through her thick blonde locks, fingers catching on snarls.

"I could move down there with you," Sid said impulsively.

Nadine didn't react like he thought she would. He expected her to shake her head and refuse, saying something along the lines of, "I'd like to meet new people," or, "I need to find myself." But she didn't say either of those, she just gave him a bemused smile, like one gives to a child who proudly states he is right when he is decidedly wrong.

"Could you save up enough money to make the move?"

"I could try. It's not like I have anything to stay for here. Helga's leaving at the end of the summer, you're leaving, and I need to show my family that I'm becoming responsible or some shit like that."

"Well, if you could make the move, I wouldn't have to settle for any North Carolina boys," she gave a laugh and kissed Sid's cheek.

Sid wasn't sure if he had just made a reckless decision, but he had a goal now: save up enough money to move to North Carolina. Even as he and Nadine shared kisses, he was forming a list in his mind of things he would have to do, like take up another job and get his GED. It seemed like a good decision, even though he knew it was drastic and rather crazy to move to another state for a girl he had only been dating a short while.

He had made worse ones.


	43. Part II, XIII

XIII

"I think I'm going to move to North Carolina," Sid told Helga.

She was beginning to pack, even though she was not leaving until the end of the month. Boxes were strewn around her room, half-full with things carelessly thrown into them. There was a pile in the corner of her room containing common dorm room items (she noted that she had bought them herself with a touch of pride).

"Any reason you're traversing across four states to somewhere completely random?" Helga was sitting on her bed with her laptop.

"Nadine's going to NCS," Sid responded.

He was staring out the window, not because there was anything interesting, but because he was smoking a cigarette and had been directed to blow the smoke outside by Helga.

"Like you got accepted to NCS," Helga rolled her eyes.

"Like I even want to go to school. I'm going down there so I can bone her all night, every night."

"You're still a virgin."

Sid shrugged, not answering Helga's statement. He was, but he had forced it upon himself. The scars on his arms were an all too real reminder that if he showed them, he would get hurt. And he didn't want anything in this delicate façade of pseudo-happiness to collapse.

"Well, if you think it's the right thing to do, bone away, hat boy."

"It's a dumbass, boneheaded, stupid as fuck idea. But any of my ideas look good compared to certain other decisions."


	44. Part II, XIV

XIV

"All the way down there? Just for a girl? Hon, I'm happy for you, that you've found someone, but I don't think that you should put so much stock in a relationship so soon. What are you going to do if it doesn't work out? You'll be in a whole new place, all alone," his mother looked at him over her large cup of coffee.

She was heading to the hospital soon, and this was a rare chance for Sid to talk to her. He figured it would be best to be straight-forward and not mince words. So he had just come straight out and told her that he was moving to Raleigh as soon as he had saved up enough money.

"Even if the relationship doesn't pan out, I think it would be a good change for me, Mom. I've been doing a lot better lately, and I'm feel like I'm ready to be out on my own. I'm really grateful that you've let me stay here. I don't want you to think you raised a kid who's going to be living in your basement, figuratively, until he's thirty."

"I don't think that at all," his mother took a sip of her coffee, looking across the table at her son with a pensive look in her eyes. "I just think that you need a little longer to get back on your feet. Ray says you're doing very well at the garage, he says he wants to give you a promotion."

"Mom, I'm about as 'on my feet' as I'm going to get here, I've got two jobs and my GED now. Not that moving will make things any better, but I... really like Nadine and I don't want things to end for a stupid reason."

His mother gave him a strange sort of knowing look that he had never seen before. It made him uneasy. He hoped she didn't think he had put her in the family way or that he wanted to marry her. Sid decided to disregard the look for now.

"Well, sweetie, whatever you do, know that Ray and I are here if you need anything."


	45. Part II, XV

XV

Helga's room was all packed up, in the back of her father's Hummer. It looked very much like a place that had once been home but was now being abandoned for a new place, with hope that one would return eventually. Sid looked around as Helga shoved a few last minute things into a duffel bag.

It was strange to see, he couldn't reconcile the idea of her leaving with the picture he had in mind. He had always thought that he and Helga would live out their days in Hillwood in beautiful misery, with things staying the same for always. But Helga was leaving. She had already changed.

It was subtle, invisible to the untrained eye who always saw her as a raging, angry person. Sid saw it though, that the rage and anger had been fuelled by her own emotional tumult, and now that the storm was calming, her expressed range and anger were more sarcasm and personality than actual expressions of such emotions.

And now Sid was leaving too. He wondered if he would change like Helga had done. If he did, he hoped it was for the better.

"When are you taking off tomorrow?" Sid asked her.

"Eight AM, yippee skippie," Helga replied. She pulled open her bedside drawer and tossed something soft and green at Sid.

It hit him in the face and actually sent him reeling because he simply didn't expect it. Helga laughed as Sid reached down to pick up what had been thrown at him. It was a stuffed frog with a goofy expression on its face and its tongue sticking out.

"What the hell?" Sid laughed, turning the frog over in his hands.

"Pet Frog 2.0." Helga said. "Never dies, every apartment will let you keep it, and you don't have to clean its tank ever. You're welcome."

Sid smiled and looked at the frog again.

"Maybe I should keep the legacy going, name him Sidney the ninth."

"You can do whatever you want, hat boy."

Sid reached out and gave Helga a tight hug. She stiffened and was probably looking stunned and angry, but Sid didn't care. She could tough out the physical show of affection for a few seconds.

"Thanks, Helga," Sid said. He wanted to say more, like that she had probably saved his life, and that he was really grateful to have her as a friend and that he was going to miss her like hell, but he thought that would be too sappy and too much of a mouthful.

"You're a piece of work, Sid, now let go of me, or I'll pound you," Helga said, but the threat fell flat, and there wasn't any touch of the usual emotions behind it.

Sid had the feeling that they probably felt the same way: the awkward and complicated friendship had probably done more to keep each other alive than anything else.


	46. Part II, XVI

XVI

Sid didn't like how dressed up he was. Even though he just had his suit jacket on over a nice shirt and some dark jeans, the suit jacket conjured up bad memories for him and made him uneasy, like glimpsing an ex one still had feelings for. It reminded him all too much of his fascination with death and how that had culminated. He could almost smell the old blood and was convinced the black jacket had a redder tone.

"Thank you for taking me out to dinner, Sid," Nadine stepped up on her tip toes, planting a kiss on his cheek.

"I wanted to do something nice for you before you left, baby girl."

"It was very nice," Nadine tucked a bit of hair behind her ear and grabbed Sid's hand. "Why don't I do something nice for you?"

Sid gave Nadine's hand a squeeze while he felt something in his stomach give a twist, because he had a specific idea in mind of what "nice" was. Nadine flashed him a knowing smile and they walked on.


	47. Part II, XVII

XVII

"G-God, wow," Sid dropped his head back and closed his eyes.

Nadine climbed up on his lap and gave him a few sweet butterfly kisses. Sid put his hands on her waist and smiled lazily at her; his head was still up in the clouds. Nadine kissed his neck softly, her cool hands resting on top of Sid's.

"Now, you haven't done anything for me. I'm more undressed than you are," Nadine said in a mock mad voice.

She ran her hands up his arms and started to unbutton his shirt. Sid just grinned, his mind blissfully blank. It wasn't until he felt the cool night breeze on his arms and saw the white shirt fluttering to the ground did he think anything about it. And he was horrified.

Nadine didn't do anything for a moment, she just sat and looked at his arms. Sid knew they were disgusting, huge and puffy and raised. They were rough and raw, a hatching of former pains and sorrows. They were a scabbed over reminder of desperation, to feel something, to stay alive, to know that the sweet kiss of pain meant one still existed.

And then there were the ones, faintly purple and with scars from sutures on each side, where the doctors had sewn his skin together to keep him alive. Sid cringed every time he looked at them and tonight was no exception.

There was still no expression on Nadine's face. Then she gently picked up his arm and laid a soft, barely there kiss on every scar she could find. Sid felt each line sear as her lips touched it. It was a deep and painful ache, but to Sid, it felt like the ache of so many disgusting, rotten emotions coming to the surface so they could be purged.

"I don't know if those are the kind of hurts than can be made better by a kiss," Nadine said quietly, "but you shouldn't worry about it. Some scars are just outward instead of inward. Now where did we leave off?"

She gave him a warm smile and unzipped the back of her skirt. Sid knew at that moment that Nadine was far more precious to him than he could imagine.

–

I think I will be excited when I actually finish this story, because even though it's not my best writing, it's very dear to my heart.

Also, I found out the Skeletonwitch concert is 19+. Sonuvabitch, I really wanted to go.

I also got my first (and probably only) tattoo, I'm still at that peeking at it every five minutes and show it off to everyone you know stage.

And am I the only one who thinks that Sid would look like Dave Wyndorf (before he got fat) of Monster Magnet when he's older?


	48. Part II, XVIII

XVIII

"Hey, baby girl!" Sid said, grinning widely as Nadine pulled open the door.

"Sid! What... how are you here?" Nadine laughed as she threw her arms around him.

Sid picked her up and twirled her around while she wound her hands in his hair and kisses his cheek. Her roommate stood at the door with a smile playing on her lips. Other girls were standing outside their doors to see what the commotion was.

Once he had set Nadine down, Sid gave her bouquet of flowers in his hand. They were chrysanthemums, her favourite flower.

"My parents bought me a train ticket here for my birthday, and here I am, putting it to good use," Sid said.

Nadine let out a laugh, "So that was why you kept asking me if I had much to do this weekend."

"Yep," Sid felt like he would never stop smiling.

It was so good to see Nadine again, because her smile lit up a room. Her smile lit up his heart.


	49. Part II, XIX

XIX

Sid loved watching Nadine, the way she smiled and tucked her hair behind her ears, then looked down at her lap when something was too much, or the way she laughed when he told her something funny, or how her eyes shone when she was talking about something she loved. She was so full of life and love, and it was infecting him. She was something untouched by depression's cold, dark grasp. It was absolutely intoxicating for Sid.

Nadine was showing him how life was meant to be lived, and he drank it all in, hoping that he would never become complacent nor forget how much this meant to him.


	50. Part II, XX

XX

"...and that's why he isn't allowed in that bar any more," Nadine finished.

"Haha, what a dumbass, that sounds crazy. I can't believe you saw that."

"Yeah, I don't know what to think of that kid sometimes," Nadine shook her head. "He's a piece of work."

Sid laughed and marvelled at how good it felt to laugh. With a jolt, Sid realized that he had fallen hard for Nadine. She was so sweet and vivacious and dear to him. He loved her, and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. Sid never wanted to be without the girl who showed him how life was meant to be lived.

"So, I didn't come here just to see you," Sid said.

"No?" Nadine raised her eyebrows.

Sid shook his head, "I also came here to sign and pay a security deposit for an apartment. I'll be moving down here in two weeks."

"Really?" Nadine let out a laugh and had a smile from ear to ear.

"Yeah!" Sid nodded and smiled back.

"That's fantastic! I can't wait," Nadine leaned across the table and gave Sid a kiss.

"Neither can I," Sid said, head still reeling from his revelation.


	51. Part II, XXI

XXI

"This will be our last meeting before you leave for Raleigh," Dr Wade said.

"Yeah," Sid nodded, his forearms resting on his knees and his hands clasped.

"How do your parents feel about the decision?"

"Mom doesn't want me to move. She doesn't think I'm ready, but I feel like I am. I mean, yeah, I fucked up before, but I've been doing a lot better lately. I haven't cut or anything since... yeah. I guess she's just worried about me, but it makes me feel like she doesn't trust me."

"And your father?"

"I dunno, I think he's still pissed at me because he was going to give me a promotion at the garage, but God, I don't fucking know, it pisses me off that he can't see I'm trying to better myself and do what I want. I don't want to be stuck in a place that holds so many bad memories for me. Nadine makes me so happy, why should I deny myself something that makes me feel alive?"

"Maybe they're thinking you're doing it all for Nadine, and they don't want to see you be left with nothing if the relationship ends," Dr Wade said.

"I'm not doing it all for her, I'm doing it for me and us. I really don't want what I have with her to end, but if it did, I'd just have to think about it and remember it for all the happy memories it gave me. Nadine's taught me how to enjoy life again, and that's something I never want to forget, even if I have to enjoy life without her."

Dr Wade smiled a little, "That's a very mature thing to say, Sid. You've made a lot of progress since you started seeing me, and I'm very glad for that."

Sid nodded and rubbed his hands together, thinking for a second. He really had made progress. It astounded him, because he never thought that he would be able to feel like this, to feel _happy_, ever again. He savoured every second of it, because it was such a stark contrast to the emptiness, the despair, and the pain he had felt for so long.

"I'm glad I have too," Sid said, looking up and giving Dr Wade a gentle smile.


	52. Part II, XXII

XXII

"Call when you get there, sweetheart," Sid's mom said as she gave her son a hug.

"I will, Mom," Sid patted her back.

"And give me a call if you need anything at all, or if you just want to talk, or if you want us to come and visit,"

"I will, Mom, don't worry," Sid broke away and gave her a smile.

He turned away from his mom to his dad, who was standing near the door with his hands in his pockets. Sid walked over to him and put his hand on his father's shoulder, giving him a small smile.

"Thanks for giving me a job and everything, Dad. I really appreciate it," Sid said.

His father nodded curtly, then gave Sid a one-armed hug which Sid returned. He still wasn't quite sure what to think of his father, and man who was just as complicated as himself. It was a hard pill for Sid to swallow, knowing that his parents were just as flawed and human as he was. He had always imagined that they could at least put away their issues for him, but his father had never had bothered to do that, wearing his disease on his sleeve.

"I know I've never been there for you, Sid, but I guess I just want to say that I'm proud of you," his father said gruffly.

"Thanks Dad," Sid said, pursing his lips but hugging his dad again.


	53. Part II, XXIII

XXIII

Sid looked around his apartment. He felt accomplished. Not only did he have a job in a garage lined up, but he was now living on his own, with a fantastic girlfriend that he loved. Maybe he had fucked up big time, but he was working hard to correct that and live the life he wanted to live, and he was proud that he was doing that. He knew that if he fell again, he just had to get back up and keep going forward, because there was nothing left for him in the life he used to live. Everything he wanted was ahead of him.

Footsteps behind him made Sid turn around. He laid his cigarette down in the ashtray, then stood up and walked to Nadine, giving her a hug.

"Baby girl, what are you doing up? You've got a final tomorrow," Sid stroked her hair while she hugged him.

"I know, I just woke up and saw you weren't in bed," Nadine said. "What are you doing up?"

Sid rubbed Nadine's back and still held her close, "I'm just thinking about how far I've come, and about how much you've helped me out."

"You're sweet," Nadine smiled and brushed hair out of his eyes.

She captured his lips in a sweet kiss, a kiss slow and tender. Sid caressed her cheek with his thumb. He could spend the rest of his like like this, embracing her and kissing her. She made him feel complete, and it was one of the best feelings in the world.

Nadine pulled away after a moment; Sid kissed her forehead.

"I love you," Sid said quietly.

Nadine looked up at him with her big, brown doe eyes and smiled again; it was a smile that lit up Sid's heart, it was a smile that warmed him like a fire on a cold day.

"I love you too," she said.


	54. Part II, XXIV

XXIV

"Nadine, do you want to meet my parents over Christmas?" Sid asked.

They were in the kitchen together getting snacks, because they were watching a film with some of Sid's co-workers and Nadine's friends from university. Nadine popped some popcorn into her mouth and chewed, looking thoughtful.

"When?" she asked.

"I think my mom's planning a big dinner at my grandma's house on Christmas. I don't know what you do for Christmas, but if you need to spend the holidays with your family, I understand. My parents just really want to meet you."

"I don't celebrate Christmas, Mom celebrates Kwanzaa, and that doesn't start until the twenty-sixth. I'd love to have dinner with you and your family," Nadine said.

"Great," Sid said, kissing her cheek.


	55. Part II, XXV

XXV

"So you're the girl who's taken my baby away from me," Sid's mom said, giving Nadine a hug.

Nadine laughed a little, but hugged her back and then took off her coat. Sid gave Nadine an apologetic look, but took off his coat too, hanging up both his and Nadine's in the closet. Nadine had been home for a few weeks now, the semester ending at the very beginning of December. Sid had to stay in North Carolina to work and had only arrived home yesterday. He was heading back the next day.

"I guess," Nadine said, shaking Sid's father's hand.

"Well, come on in, we're just about to have dinner, and then afterwards exchange gifts," Sid's mom said.

Sid lingered in the entryway with Nadine, arms around her and his hands in her hair. He was glad to have her here, he usually hated spending the holidays with his family, but he didn't think that he would mind too much this time. Sid just hoped that his family didn't make her too uncomfortable.

His mom poked her head out from the kitchen and motioned for them to come to the dining room.

Sid's whole family was there: his mom and stepfather, his father, and aunts and uncles and cousins and grandparents from all three sides. Nadine smiled nervously and waved; Sid still had his arm around her waist.

"Everyone, this is Nadine, my girlfriend," Sid said.

Nadine gave a little wave and they made their way to the two open seats, right between one of Sid's more boisterous aunts and one of his more annoying cousins, who was fifteen and thought of himself as pretty awesome.

"Hey, Sid, have you banged her yet?" he asked.

Sid shot him a looked and hissed, "What I do with my girlfriend is none of your business."

"Hah, yeah, Riley, shut up, why do you want to think about Sid having sex?" another cousin laughed. "It's not like he's going to give you pointers on picking up chicks, you little horndog!"

"I'm sorry, my cousins are really annoying," Sid whispered in Nadine's ear.

"I think it's funny. All my cousins are older than I am," Nadine whispered back.

"Okay, everyone, shut up and let's eat!" Sid's grandpa said when he saw his wife carrying in the main dish into the dining room. "We're going to sit here and enjoy each other's company for an hour."

"I like your grandpa," Nadine said quietly so only Sid could hear.


	56. Part II, XXVI

XXVI

"Hey, Sid, hey, Sid, will you give me a cigarette?" Riley asked.

Sid was standing outside with Nadine, taking a little break from his family because with the addition of wine things were getting heated and crazy. Sid fully expected to see every other person who smoked in his family out here in a few minutes, just to escape.

"No," Sid responded firmly.

"C'mon, please? Please, please, please?" Riley begged.

Sid acted like he was considering it for a second before blowing smoke in Riley's face, "Piss off, you little cocksucker, I came out here to escape from you."

Riley flicked Sid off, then ran inside. Sid waited until he was sure that Riley was staying inside before pulling out a tiny wrapped box and giving it to Nadine. Nadine looked at Sid and slowly peeled off the delicate gold wrapping, revealing a small velvet box.

Nadine opened it and her eyes widened when she saw the earrings. They were very simple diamond studs. Sid looked on nervously, hoping that she would like them. He had debated between a ring and earrings, but decided on earrings because a ring would seem too much like an engagement ring.

"I know you don't wear a lot of jewellery, but I know you wear earrings, so I thought those would be nice," Sid started, but got cut off with a kiss from Nadine.

"They're gorgeous, I love them, thank you," she said, reaching up to her ears and removing the tiny fake pearl studs she had in. "I didn't get you anything near as nice."

"Don't worry about it, baby girl, I'm happy knowing you like those earrings," Sid said.

Nadine smiled and kissed Sid again, pulling up his hood and her hood so that their faces were shielded from the falling snow.

"I'm glad you're happy, because that's something you deserve to be," Nadine said softly.


	57. Part II, XXVII

XXVII

Sid had gotten a few days off from the garage and had gone back home to visit Nadine, since she was home for the summer, as well as to visit his parents. Currently, he was waiting in his car, a beat up two-seater he had bought for seven hundred fifty dollars as soon as he got fed up taking the train back and forth. Nadine was inside the gas station, talking to a friend. Sid had already bought his cigarettes, so he was waiting on her.

Across the street, Sid noticed a girl who looked familiar, and as he took a closer look, Sid realised that it was Helga. She had cut her hair short, but she looked better than Sid had ever seen her. It looked like she was waiting for someone, but she wasn't scowling or looking angry like usual. There was a small, satisfied smiled playing on her lips.

As he watched, a young man came out from the building and kissed Helga on the cheek. Helga burst out laughing and playfully swatted at the man, who only picked her up and spun her around in response. When he set her down again, they shared a quick kiss before walking on hand in hand.

With a jolt, Sid realised that the young man was Arnold. He almost let out a laugh, but something inside him gave a little twinge. Helga was happy too. She had saved herself. And there was something quietly beautiful and sweet about seeing someone once so broken so alive.


	58. Part II, XXVIII

XXVIII

He couldn't believe how much he had missed. Life was so vibrant and beautiful, he felt intoxicated by it.


	59. Part II, XXIX

XXIX

Sid sat outside the garage, enjoying a cigarette. He watched all the people and college students stream by. Each one was vibrantly alive, pulsing with life and love. Sid realized that every person going by had friends who loved them, family who loved them, maybe a significant other who loved them. They were all alive, and at some point, Sid knew, they had been cruelly broken. But yet, here they were, surrounded by all this life and all this love and so many small things that were meaningful.

He realised that for so long, he had been blind to all the small things. He didn't see how much the fact that his mother always made pancakes on Christmas morning, or the fact that his father still had a drawing Sid made when he was three tacked up in his office meant. He didn't see that his parents worked so hard just so they could give him a good life. But now he saw it all, and held it dear to his heart.

It was like his eyes had been opened, and he never wanted to close them again.


	60. Part II, XXX

XXX

Epilogue

Sid opened his eyes and looked over at the sleeping form beside him. Nadine always looked so peaceful when she was asleep. Sid hoped she was having good dreams. He couldn't help but grin, just the other day she had told him that she was pregnant.

A few years ago, he would have never imagined any of this. A few years ago, he wouldn't have even wanted to be in a relationship, because all he could think about was how much everything _hurt_. The pain was still fresh to him, and every day he remembered where he was and how far he had come. Sid knew he would never become complacent about his happiness. It was something that he would never take for granted.

Nadine rolled over in her sleep. The wedding band glinted in the moonlight. Sid looked down at his arms, scars shining bright white. Down each forearm ran a large, thick, jagged streak, reminding Sid that once, his life was bleeding from him, but now it was pulsing in his veins. The scars burned as he remembered the first time Nadine saw them. Each scar seared white hot as he reminisced about the ghostly touch of her lips.

Sid laid back down and closed his eyes as he placed his arm over Nadine. He felt like he had finally done it. Once, he was broken, but now he was whole. He had saved himself.

–

Well, I've finally finished this story :) I hope you guys enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Sometimes, this was a difficult story to write, especially in the beginning, because I drew on a lot of my own experience.

Sometimes, you just have to step back and realise that life is beautiful.


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